Keynote speakers
Dr. Maximilian von Datenrausch
Self-Proclaimed Chief Quantum Snack Analyst
Dr. Maximilian von Datenrausch is absolutely not a real scientist, despite his impressive-sounding title. His “research” focuses on understanding why computer simulations always run perfectly until someone is watching. He famously developed the groundbreaking Snack-Driven Workflow Optimization Theory, which proposes that scientific productivity increases by 73% when cookies are within arm’s reach.
Dr. von Datenrausch claims to have completed a “transdimensional internship” at the Institute for Hypothetical Excellence (a place that does not exist), where he allegedly worked on quantum banana probabilistics — a field he invented to justify buying a very expensive calculator.
His work is entirely fictional, but he remains committed to collaborating with real researchers by providing emotional support, unsolicited advice, and an unlimited supply of memes.
Prof. Dr. Nebula Starlingen
Intergalactic Visiting Scholar (unverified)
Prof. Dr. Nebula Starlingen claims to have arrived from the Andromeda Galaxy to understand Earth’s strange research funding system.” Although no university officially acknowledges her, she insists she holds a chair in Astro-Bureaucracy, specializing in the navigation of grant applications across multiple dimensions.
Her notable publications include “Dark Matter and Even Darker Reviewer Comments” and “Why Earth Scientists Keep Rewriting the Same Paper.” She frequently with humans by observing them through a telescope, which she insists counts as “fieldwork.”
Günther “Günni” Algorithmus
Freelance Data Enthusiast & Full-Time Overthinker
Günther Algorithmus has no formal academic background but compensates with excessive confidence. He became famous (in his own living room) for developing the “Günni Model,” a predictive algorithm that attempts to forecast when his cat will jump on the keyboard. Unfortunately, the model has a consistent accuracy of exactly 0%.
Günni describes his research approach as “chaos-informed and snack-fueled.” He regularly appears at local cafés, where he gives unsolicited TED-Talk–style explanations about why spreadsheets are “the true poetry of our time.” Although he has no lab, he does maintain a very organized sock drawer, which he calls his “data center.”